Sometimes you can take over the world.
Or at least it feels that way.
Sometimes all the things you used to think were impossible don't seem
that far-fetched after all.
Like running a 5k. I never used to be a
runner. I was a dancer for a good while, and that meant I was
exercising, so that was quite good enough as far as I was concerned,
never mind that I'd never run a mile.
But dancing costs money, whereas using
the treadmill at my apartment gym does not. So I've started to run a
little, and now I'm in transition to running outside, like for real.
And maybe I'm not there yet, but 5k doesn't seem so impossible now.
Maybe I can do this.
And sometimes you consider something
that you always believed was out of reach and you think... but why
should it be? Like starting a business. After all, my grandfather
started two of them. Oh, but he was a man, and despite all the
powerful women blazing the way I still always believed deep down that
girls don't really do that. And he was professional and, well, old,
and I'm...
I'm...
[dawning realization]
...not a kid any more.
There was a moment this past weekend
when that occurred to me. I haven't been a kid for years, but
somehow, in some of the dark corners of my mind, I'd never quite made
the jump to adult. Until now. And suddenly I looked at the world and
thought to myself, “Why not me?”
Not that I'm going to drop everything
and start some bold new endeavor just because, but my mentality
shifted just enough to let me see what the world could look like if
I'd only stop being my own worst enemy. It was beautiful.
[Dramatic pause.]
But.
Sometimes there's a catch.
Sometimes, directly on the heels of
empowerment, comes the dose of reality. Less than 24 hours after my
beautiful epiphany everything started to go a little bit wrong.
I said something, a small thing, that
was perfectly innocent. But I realized a minute later that it could
have been taken the wrong way, and more people than myself might have
been affected, and by then it was too late to take it back.
Professional people don't make those
kinds of mistakes. Right?
I had to make a phone call, and I got
the voice mail and left a message, and it was one of the most
convoluted messages I've ever sent. It was awkward and all over the
place and I felt like a disaster.
People who are “with it” aren't
people who make messes. Are they?
Then I tried to write, but the words
wouldn't come (and I took half an hour agonizing over the ending of a
chapter before remembering I was only on the first draft), and I
wondered if I'd ever get my head on straight, and I complained on
Twitter, which I always tell myself I should never do but then do
anyway.
And then everything in the world
decided it needed my attention. Emails, errands, appointments. One
doesn't take over the world by... (well I was going to say “by
endless trips to the bank,” but maybe that is how one takes over
the world). By picking up graduation cards, let's say. What's more, I
did all this in shorts and a tank top, the first two things I pulled
out of my unprofessional closet. Not exactly a power suit.
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try
to keep it together, you end up a little bit messy.
But maybe that's ok. Maybe real
accomplishment isn't just about inspiration and determination but
about working through the messes instead of fretting over them. And
maybe “keeping it together” isn't as much about perfectionism as
it is about attitude.
So what's that mean? This all comes
down to a net sum of... what? Have I gained anything by going through
the high and the low?
Yes. One lesson: keep going.
That's it? An abrupt little platitude?
Or is it...
Take the next step, whatever the next
step might be. When I want to do something big but that thing seems
impossible, be brave and take the next step. When nothing is going
right and I feel like a walking catastrophe, suck it up and take the
next step.
And when I'm sitting in front of the
computer screen, fighting whatever battle I'm facing, close my eyes,
count to ten, and take the next step.
1... 2... 3... ...