Perfect Days

Today is a perfectly beautiful day.

I know... talking about the weather is rather banal, but some moments are simply too exquisite not to mention.

The air smells entirely pleasant, like someone put down a giant adhesive and then ripped it off, carrying all the bad smells away on the sticky side. The sun is shining on my toes at a soothing 75 degrees. And the wind...

Oh, how I love the wind.

People say that we associate memories with smells, and that may well be true, but I know for myself some of the strongest memories are attached to days exactly like this. [Riding home on the bus with my eyes fluttering closed and my heart so full that it's pushing up the corners of my mouth. Walking across campus with Emily and I say, “Look, they cut the grass,” and she says, “Yeah, I heard the smell.” Sitting outside with a book and wondering how I could possibly be so blessed as to have this life.] So each time a day like this comes, it's even better than the last, because it holds all the memories of the past perfect days.

(Following my stream of consciousness: everyone probably gets deja vu, but have you ever had the opposite? Instead of “I've seen this before,” have you ever thought “I'm going to see this again”? That happened to me once. I was lying on the floor of my bedroom, going through a calming exercise, and suddenly had this odd feeling that I was going to be there again.)

Well, I think it's clear that we're not going to get much more rational sense out of me for a while. I'm too immobilized by the way the grass is swaying outside my window...

I hope wherever you are your day is even half as amazing as mine.

SAD

It's raining again.

There are so many things to like about rain.  It keeps the plants green.  It has a soothing sound.  It cools the air.  It's refreshing.  It tends to keep people from making lots of noise.  There's something peaceful and almost magical about rain.

But I just can't bring myself to like rainy days.

I discovered last year that I have Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Essentially that means that when I don't get enough sunlight I wilt and start feeling the symptoms of depression.  The long winter months can get miserable, particularly when there's a string of cloudy days.  Usually spring is better, but on days like today when there is no hint of sunshine I start to feel the weight of all those clouds.

It's hard to explain to people who have never dealt with depression just how miserable it is.  There's no “snapping out of it.”  It's a long cycle of incapacitation due to total lack of energy fueling (and being fueled by) intense guilt for not being productive.  All in all not fun.

But fortunately for me there are ways to deal with my particular underlying issue.  What I'm missing when I don't get sunlight is Vitamin D, so taking supplements really helps to reduce the symptoms I feel.  On sunny days I take every chance I can get to be in the sunlight.

However, there are still days like today when I just can't find much motivation.  The sky is the dull white-gray color of emptiness.  All I want to do is sit in front of Hulu and crochet (because then I can be entertained and still feel like I'm doing something remotely productive).

But that's not what I'm going to do.  I'm going to get a load of laundry started, head to the store for some groceries, and then get down to work on my revisions.  I just have to push myself out of this chair and take the first step.

Well, wish me luck.